Friends and Conversation

I should write something. But where do I begin? Life is strange. It’s strange how people move in and out of our lives. We were passing strangers once, yet here we are again, hanging out. We were teenagers that hung out once a long time ago- and when that happened, I had a wicked crush on you. It’s strange where life takes us and then brings us back around, great big circles, parallel and then crossing. Shadows of our former selves all grown now.

And it’s strange now to see how much I’ve changed. Once a long time ago, it would have made me jealous as hell to listen to someone talk about their ex, but now it’s just a matter of fact, a piece of the past we’ve just accepted. I talk about mine too, so what would be the point of jealousy? We’ve both been married and divorced (or at least you are, I am still in the process). I think that brings a new sort of perspective to the table.

There’s nothing like realizing in a rattling sort of way how far I’ve come in life, how many small realizations I’ve come to. How much that used to bother me doesn’t anymore. And realistically, I think I just find so much of what used to bother me exhausting, which is why I gave up on letting it control my emotions. Life is too short to let things get to me. I choose my battles very carefully I think, and the things that upset me are usually charged by long lines of mistreatment.

And you are so contained, grounded. Even if this is just a friendship, it’s nice to have someone to talk to, someone who I can share the pains and frustrations of this process with. You are confusing, in a beautiful way. I’m not sure how to read you but I’ve consigned myself to accepting that for now. If you are as literal as you say, then at some point something will be said to determine, ultimately what all of this means.

Vague. I am so vague today, and tired, and whirling. None of us should feel that we can expect anything from life. Just when I thought I was about to spend a long, lonely period of time by myself, I am instead able to at least have someone who is willing to sit next to me late at night and listen to my rambling, thoughts out loud, pushed up into the night air. That’s a pretty fantastic feeling.

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